I just looked at the last entry and realized how long it has been since I last posted. It hasn't seemed as long. Lately I've been reading through old posts and trying to put together books for each year (I decided to give "Blurb" another try and had great success this time. I found that the photo-quality issues I had before weren't a problem for more recent years--was it just me? And I think I know how I can make it work for the other years too).
So what good is there in looking back? Other than the fact that doing so has taken time out of the present, I have found a lot of good. Kind of like reading old journal entries but with pictures. I'm grateful for the memories I have recorded--especially little moments, like things my kids say, my worries at different points. It would be fun to have a similar collection of entries for other times of life, particularly our first years of marriage, life in Virginia during law school, our summers in Germany, Cincinnati, etc.
I've noticed that blogging (for me anyway) has been slightly different than journal keeping. While I don't claim a long list of readers, I'm conscious of the fact that some do read what I write here. Putting yourself out there kind of affects how candid you are. I wonder how my journal entries (back when I was more diligent with an actual journal) would have appeared in this blog. Are there thoughts, perspectives I would have left out? What parts of me do I leave out now?
I remember after RVC was born, I think she was 4 weeks old, we left Williamsburg to live in Cincinnati for 8 weeks. TEC had decided to split his summer between two internships, one in Cincinnati and one in Salt Lake (the latter being with the firm for which he now works). Eight weeks was an interesting time frame. It didn't seem worth it to move there for that short of time. We found a furnished apartment and brought along some basics--clothes, a few kitchen items, not enough cleaning supplies, the portable crib, bouncer chair, clothes. But we left a lot of things behind.
One thing I did not pack with me was my journal.
It was an interesting time for me as a new mom. At about 2 weeks old, before we left Virgina, RVC started losing weight. After working closely almost daily with a lactation consultant and RVC's pediatrician, we slowly determined that RVC had a cow's milk protein allergy. Aside from the normal emotional issues of being a first time mom, I was adjusting my diet, trying to increase my milk supply, and monitor my baby's weight while dealing with the prospect of being far away from our doctors, family, and really anyone we knew for a couple of months.
I have some memories from this time in Ohio. I remember TEC going to work each day and me doing my best to fill each day with routines of feedings, bath time, walks with RVC in the snuggli. We managed some sight seeing outings in the evenings and weekends, a few Reds games at the Great American Ballpark. I bought a jogging stroller and did quite a bit of exploring around the neighborhoods and parks. My sister lived in Columbus back then, about 2 hours away--such a blessing to have her somewhat nearby--and we each made the trip once for visits. My friend Jennifer came to visit while we were in Cincinnati. I'm not sure if it was much fun for her, but it was nice for me to have a friend for a few days.
I know that there are a lot of things, though, that I have forgotten. I know that I was very lonely and I believe I struggled with some depression partly due to some medication I was taking to help boost my milk supply. I know my need to talk to someone was frustrated by our temporary circumstances--an "emergency-only" cell phone with very few minutes (I have a memory of trying to contact a local lactation consultant on a pay phone outside a Kroger grocery store), having to drive to the library and discreetly balance a nursing baby in public while I tried to use the Internet. But since I didn't write much during this time, most of my memories--particularly the tough ones--are vague. It wasn't until I was talking to a woman in my ward back in Tyler who had just had a baby and was struggling with some similar issues that I realized how vague my memories had become--what were my honest thoughts and feelings those couple of months? What exactly got me through that time?
I wonder what my "blog" would have looked like back then. Would it be like my photo albums--full of smiles and baby firsts? Somehow I doubt that I would have dared to paint a complete picture of my life as is was. But then, maybe that's how it should be. I'm grateful that there are some things that I have forgotten and left behind. Still, I hope that, for the sake of my children and for my own future struggles, I can always acknowledge that the hard times are there and be better at remembering and recording how I get through them.
4 comments:
I've actually thought about this topic a fair bit, too. (Not the breast feeding stuff--the selective memories and blog vs. journal stuff.) I still keep a regular journal, and I blog every weekday, as I'm sure you know. The two are very different, mainly because one is for an audience and one is for me. I find my blog entries are more detailed and fun to read, but my journal entries can say things I'd never say on a blog. Different audience=different end result.
And when it comes to rough times and blogging about them--or journaling them for that matter . . . You know, I think that overall, I tend to have a selective memory like you. I don't think it would even matter if I was brutally honest in my journal, I'd still tend to downplay the bad and remember the good. I think it's a defense mechanism built into me to keep me sane. :-) Why dwell on awful experiences? I learn from them and move on. Every now and then--like you--something will happen that makes me remember just how bad things were, but I'm really grateful for my ability to forget that most of the time.
Thanks for the thoughts and for sharing--hope all is well for you and TEC. Come on out to Maine sometime!!!!!
I think I use my blog as a journal. At least for the things the kids do. I need to try to get it made into a book! I'd cry if I ever lost it all! Some times I vent on my blog but there are definitely things I leave out! I didn't remember R had the dairy allergy. She's fine now isn't she? I'm just hesitant to put Briel back on milk since the bad effect "came back" after a year of her eating it. Hope you are all doing well. How many weeks are you now?
I LOVE THIS POST! Thank you for your thoughts....I'm always a little unsure of how much of our struggles to write about on the blog...I don't want to be trying to make people feel bad for us, or especially give "too much advice." But I do want to make sure that I have a record....Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it helped me figure out a little better how to balance our posts!
What a neat, reflective entry. It made me sit still for at least a few minutes, and you know I rarley sit still. It is interesting to try to remember old memories, especially difficult ones if you have not written them down in a journal. Last year sometime I went back through and caught up on a lot of the things that had happened in my life. I think it is good to write about things as they are happening, but it is also good to write about them after the fact.. sometimes several years after the fact. I think sometimes it takes time to digest what has happened and how it has changed us and how significant those events were in our lives. Most challenging times, for me at least, are when I have grown spiritually. It didn't feel like it at the time, but looking back they have shaped so much of who I am. I always hope that someday my kids will look back and learn from my mistakes and my trials.
Anyway, I always love to read your blog! We can't wait to see you in August!
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